"WHY??? Did I Think I Could Do It?????"

So it's Memorial Day weekend.... Nathan and Noah are at the lease to maybe get Noah a turkey.  I am tired and thinking I will go to bed early because we have a full weekend!  I can't get Daddy off my mind.  I listen to a couple of songs on iTunes... trying to find something that moved me.  Randomly I listened to Steve Wariner "The Weekend" which is a song that I LOVED growing up and still do!  I love his voice!  I know this song is about a man and a woman....but I don't hear that right now on this night.... I hear... "I'll be in love for the rest of my life, you took me out to the deep end." Couldn't put it on here so I chose "Holes in the Floor of Heaven" by Steve Wariner instead.  Yeah... why can't I just think of Daddy and that be enough?  I get in my hope chest of his things and look at my scrap books I made with all of his pictures!  I LOSE MY MIND!  It's been 6 years!  I ball like a baby.... like a baby... like a raw, hurt, wounded baby.  It hurts so bad!  I get mad... I get sad... 

WHY??? Did I think I could do it?

To look at all these pictures I keep put away?  I have a busy and full life with my children and husband... and I do always miss my Daddy... but tonight.... he died all over again.  I look at his eyes, his face in these pictures... relive many of those moments in my mind.  I read the accident report!  Stupid Me!  I go through his things.... his broken glasses, his helmet, his Copenhagen... I even smell his clothes!  Would you believe it.... the smell is STILL THERE~!!!!  Really!  I want him back.  I want to go back.  I want to redo and make EVERY MOMENT COUNT MORE!  I hate this... I hate that this experience has caused me to "feel" loss.  I know he's in Heaven... but I want him back.  I know I am wrong.  I will get over it. Everything in my life falls all around me on the floor as I am balling and NOTHING MATTERS!  Well... except what is SUPPOSE TO MATTER... I feel so sick... wanting to throw up... but I keep reading cards and notes and even put a dab of his cologne on.... what is wrong with Me?  Finally have to stop... so I will write my feelings down for I don't know what reason?  But to Remember this Memorial Day Weekend and my Daddy and in my hurting moments... remember what came over me and carry it on!  Remember WHAT REALLY MATTERS!  Here are some pictures I came across I thought I would share.  Really Seriously... next time... my writing will be more Colorful!  

Have a safe and Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

 Me and my Daddy... when they brought me home from the hospital in a stocking b/c my birthday was December 20th

 I love close ups

 Told ya he was strong

 Workin hard in the garden

 Cheek to Cheek... Daddy and his girls

 This would be my Uncle Larry who recently passed away, My Daddy in the middle passed 6 years ago and my Grandpa Brown that passed 10 years+ ago

 Daddy and Me on my wedding day... his face is so sweet

 Home for the Holidays

 One of Daddy's visits to Texas... I was pregnant with Noah

 Noah and PeePaw

I love that this little guy brought our family back together in a new way wtih deeper moments, more feelings and memories
this was  Noah's 1st Christmas

 The intent in my Daddy's eyes is unmistakable LOVE for his grandson

 Sharing another moment... when they found out we were pregnant with our 2nd (Emmie)

Me, Mama and Amy On Daddy's porch swing the day we buried him.... I could have sat there forever.....