"WHY??? Did I Think I Could Do It?????"

So it's Memorial Day weekend.... Nathan and Noah are at the lease to maybe get Noah a turkey.  I am tired and thinking I will go to bed early because we have a full weekend!  I can't get Daddy off my mind.  I listen to a couple of songs on iTunes... trying to find something that moved me.  Randomly I listened to Steve Wariner "The Weekend" which is a song that I LOVED growing up and still do!  I love his voice!  I know this song is about a man and a woman....but I don't hear that right now on this night.... I hear... "I'll be in love for the rest of my life, you took me out to the deep end." Couldn't put it on here so I chose "Holes in the Floor of Heaven" by Steve Wariner instead.  Yeah... why can't I just think of Daddy and that be enough?  I get in my hope chest of his things and look at my scrap books I made with all of his pictures!  I LOSE MY MIND!  It's been 6 years!  I ball like a baby.... like a baby... like a raw, hurt, wounded baby.  It hurts so bad!  I get mad... I get sad... 

WHY??? Did I think I could do it?

To look at all these pictures I keep put away?  I have a busy and full life with my children and husband... and I do always miss my Daddy... but tonight.... he died all over again.  I look at his eyes, his face in these pictures... relive many of those moments in my mind.  I read the accident report!  Stupid Me!  I go through his things.... his broken glasses, his helmet, his Copenhagen... I even smell his clothes!  Would you believe it.... the smell is STILL THERE~!!!!  Really!  I want him back.  I want to go back.  I want to redo and make EVERY MOMENT COUNT MORE!  I hate this... I hate that this experience has caused me to "feel" loss.  I know he's in Heaven... but I want him back.  I know I am wrong.  I will get over it. Everything in my life falls all around me on the floor as I am balling and NOTHING MATTERS!  Well... except what is SUPPOSE TO MATTER... I feel so sick... wanting to throw up... but I keep reading cards and notes and even put a dab of his cologne on.... what is wrong with Me?  Finally have to stop... so I will write my feelings down for I don't know what reason?  But to Remember this Memorial Day Weekend and my Daddy and in my hurting moments... remember what came over me and carry it on!  Remember WHAT REALLY MATTERS!  Here are some pictures I came across I thought I would share.  Really Seriously... next time... my writing will be more Colorful!  

Have a safe and Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

 Me and my Daddy... when they brought me home from the hospital in a stocking b/c my birthday was December 20th

 I love close ups

 Told ya he was strong

 Workin hard in the garden

 Cheek to Cheek... Daddy and his girls

 This would be my Uncle Larry who recently passed away, My Daddy in the middle passed 6 years ago and my Grandpa Brown that passed 10 years+ ago

 Daddy and Me on my wedding day... his face is so sweet

 Home for the Holidays

 One of Daddy's visits to Texas... I was pregnant with Noah

 Noah and PeePaw

I love that this little guy brought our family back together in a new way wtih deeper moments, more feelings and memories
this was  Noah's 1st Christmas

 The intent in my Daddy's eyes is unmistakable LOVE for his grandson

 Sharing another moment... when they found out we were pregnant with our 2nd (Emmie)

Me, Mama and Amy On Daddy's porch swing the day we buried him.... I could have sat there forever.....

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough....Ain't No Valley Low Enough....For This Mama!"

The "Mother" of all Mother's Days..... 

So I can laugh now... but it's funny after my "Supermom" post that the Orange Family got SMACKED with the stomach bug of all stomach bugs MOTHER'S DAY!  Supermom who? What?  

OHHH  It was wretched!  It was Hard!  It was exhausting!  Me and Gunner were 1st Saturday evening and I woke up Sunday morning with my "much better Gunner" in my face telling me "Jensie got poo poo diaper"  I'm thinking.... get your Daddy to change her??? Gunner and Emmie both were in our room on the floor all night and I ended up getting up with Jensie waking up so I crawled in Emmie's bed at 6 am to sleep.  I was so weak... couldn't hardly walk...but I crawled out of bed and stood at the top of the stairs  looking down at my husband who was hunched over.... telling me Noah was in the bathroom... I look to see Emmie on the couch... Every couch was taken...I look at my 1 year old sitting at the top of the stairs next to me with a full diaper of pee and poop that was now leaking out all over her and the CARPET!!!  So that was the first thing I did on Mother's Day was clean poop out of the carpet and clean up a messy baby.   My 3 year old took care of my 1 year old because Nathan, Emmie and Noah were all on the couches.  I was not sick anymore but soo weak...but guess what... that meant I HAD to take care of people all by myself.... I NEVER get sick!  I mean really!!  This has never happened all at once to our family.   From what I hear and have seen, this bug takes out families!!!  :(  BUT we survived!  Thank you Lord!

The song on here this time... makes me think of all the times I have told my Mama how happy I am... how blessed I feel and she always tells me "You're on the Mountain Top".... I know when I am on the mountain top and it feels incredible!  Nothing gets me down... nothing seems too hard...nothing bothers me...everything seems perfect!  I am thankful for the Mountain Top Moments in my life!  But staring at my sick husband this Mother's Day weekend and 2 sick kids and one recovering and me sick... I felt LOW.... LOW in the Valley... It seemed so hard to even "be" alive... but I had to thank God that very day for my children and my life even if we were ALL SICK!  I thank him for the Mountain and the Valley.  If you are in the valley.... when you get back on top of the mountain...it will feel even more incredible than before!  "No valley low enough" as the song says... for this Mama.... I gotta be there for my babies even when I am sick!!! I want to always be there for them...for their field trips and graduations and last baseball games and backyard moments and sick moments and "firsts" moments and quiet moments when they just look at you and "you know"...I want them to know I would do anything to get to them, to be there for them for as long as I am on this Earth...whether they are on the Mountain Top or in the Valley.... No Matter What!   But I do prefer to be on the Mountain top!  :)  

Here are some pics of my "Mother's Day Do-Over" and fun pics of lately.  :)  

 Happy Mother's Day 2013 Do-Over!!!!!   Pictures of my Precious Children!  

 Love these littles!!!

 We kept losing Jensie.... She just wanted to run and jabber

 Love their Daddy

 You can't pick just one of these kids....

 I LOVE how Emmie is looking at Noah and Gunner is looking at Jensie

Smotherin Jensie with Love

 Noah Mattai

 Emmie Lou

 Gunner Michael

 Jensie Jewel

 Sunshine.... 

 Sisters

 she is running... love that face and arms a swinging... 

 Mama Orange and Daddy Orange

Happy Day

 On Friday night the Mother's Day gifts started with a potato chip from Emmie..."because it was a heart and that she loved me and Happy Mother's Day!"  

 Just plain cute

 The day before Mother's Day he said he was wearing a mohawk for me for a Happy Mother's Day.... ThAAAAAANNNNNKSSS!!! 

 My Mohawk Mother's Day Presents.... 

 Me and my stomach bug buddy... We got it first on Saturday evening.  I told him, "Gunner, I guess me and you are gonna be sick together huh?"  He said, "Nope, we ain't cause I'm almost done."  LOL!  Cutest thing ever!  Bless his heart!

 If you could only know what it took to get this picture.... do you know that all of our stomachs are UPSIDE DOWN.... but look at these sweetie pies... they actually told me they were sorry they were sick on Mother's Day.   Like the poor little things could help it!!!  

 LOL!  This goes real good with my last blog post huh?  LOL

 My beautiful turquoise planter!  My children all picked out a flower to go in the bowl!  They did a super job! 

 This is Me!  This is Happiness!  :)

 Mother's Day Love

 baseball park

 found a dead snake on a bike ride... 

 Waiting for their turn to bowl

 This girl can bowl!  

 Preschool girls

 Diggin the pizza

 me like pizza too!

 Last day of preschool... all dolled up

 Noah and his buddy Hank... 

 Making a catch

 POWER!

 High 5 from Coach!

 If you know Noah... He always has to POUND that plate!  Hilarious!

 Love this pic with the ball he is about the BLAST!

 The baseball kids

 She looks so serious... like she is preparing for a speech

 Singing

 Sweet face

 Mrs. Connie.... we loved Emmie's teachers!  The best year!

 Posing with Daddy in Daddy's white shirt.... loved this idea... too sweet

 Even being "little mommy" in her cap and gown

 Where did the time go angel?

 Lovin on brother

 Preschool teacher Mrs. Jane

 Pretty

 My oldest and my youngest.... they LOVE each other!  He would do anything for her!  It makes me melt

 Love this face

We told them to sit in the yard and wait for us because we were bringing them a surprise.... Nathan turned on the SPRINKLERS!!! HAAAAA!!!!!  So hilarious!

 SOOOOOO Excited

 Lovin it

 Sprinkler fun

 She drank from every little fountain!  ADORABLE

 So fun to be a kid!

 Noah's new backyard hobby.... Lacrosse !!!  Sooo fun!

 Trunks are backwards.... too small.... showing crack... we will do better next time!

 This is my life.... and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

 Watching the ball

 The TEAM

 Never too old to enjoy this

what a great face to end on.... 

Next up for the Oranges.... "A Rainbow In Your Eyes"...